There are a lot of moments lately that no matter what happens or what’s said its just my fucking fault. And most of the time I end up thinking to myself, MAYBE IF YOUR STUPID ASS QUIT DOING STEROIDS YOU WOULDN’T BE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING WOMAN…. It pisses me off that 95% of our arguments for the last year stem from YOUR use of alcohol or steroids… I’d pick a fat sober Scott every day of the week for the rest of my life. Unfortunately the things that make you happy, make me miserable. -
I’m sad. I feel completely alone. Scott left three weeks ago. And came back, relapsed.
I need my partner. I need my hero. I need my children’s father.
And like he said, he has failed me.
He deserted me. And let me feel proud of him, confident in the fact he had his shit together. I wanted to believe in him. And I did. I trusted him. And now its gone. I have no one to depend on. But myself. God I forgot how much this sucks the life out of me. I am sinking into depression again. I can feel it. On one hand I don’t want to let it take me. But on the other, if he doesn’t care, why should I. I just want to get lost, and fall asleep until this is over. I am so fucking in love with this man. And I keep getting hurt.
My wounds just healed…
You know, I think I just realized something…
People can swear up and down and to the moon and back that they love you. But sometimes those little things they don’t like about you are enough to blow the fucking love boat out of the water. I guess any smart person would say “well. Then I guess they never loved you to begin with”
My life has the worst fucking timing. And I’ve heard a lot of people say, that bad shit happens in threes. And I can attest to that. It’s like an unwritten law or some shit. I can feel a storm of shit approaching. And I’m starting to get drizzled on.
Life is crazy. You know, you think you have a grasp on it. Then the reigns are yanked from your grip. I’m holding tightly and breathing deeply. I can’t believe how quick its going. My children are so beautiful. I feel blessed everyday to be a part of their life. It’s been about 3 years since Scott and I started seeing each other. Married for two, as of tomorrow. Even with all the bull shit and hard times, I couldn’t be happier with anyone else. We’ll be moving soon. I’ve lived in this apartment for 4 years. I will definitely miss it. Well, I won’t fucking miss it at all actually. Just the memories. I’ll forget all the bad ones, and keep the good ones.
This month starts a new chapter. And a lot of change. I’m excited.
That moment when someone else makes it known that you’re below them. And their self centered behavior is so repulsive you can’t stand to be in the same room with them.
A month of being sick is taking its toll… Poor thing.
My sweet girl just couldn’t go anymore. Called it quits under the coffee table